My Blog

Coffee Part 4

1. You guys don't want to see me before I've had my coffee. I look like a festering untreated contusion with an affinity for punching elderly men in the genitals. I also look like I would own a motorcycle.

2. Whoa, man. Don't go talk to Mark until after he's had his Starbucks. Before then, he's a real dragon cunt of a human being. Real piece of waste. The hatred I feel for Mark before he's had his coffee runs deeper than the infinite cauldron of loathing I harbor for James Ronald Kendrick, the man who brutally murdered my wife and child in 1987.

3. I gotta run down and grab a quick coffee. Anyone else want? I just can't wake up. When I was trying to get the FedEx sent out to Wisconsin, I think I dozed off for a few minutes. I had a dream that I won "Nicest Fanny" at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards. Carol, I know you already like the way my ass looks because your husband told me you guys want to go for 3 some time. I'm into it, but the furthest I'll go with the queer shit is tickling your husband's nuts a little. Other than that it's all me plus you equals shovin'. Anyway, I'm going to the deli, you guys sure you don't want anything?

4. Benny, can you come in here for a second. Thanks. Benny, remember how when I hired you, it was made quite clear that I don't like to be spoken to before I've had my coffee? Remember that? Remember how I told you I'd make sure that you would suffer greatly if you opened your bothersome shithole before I had MY coffee? Remember that, Benny? Well guess who just paid a man to make a visit to someone's house armed with 4 very hungry and rabid Doberman Pincers? Why Benny, you did! I used your routing number we have for the direct deposit of your check and a favor from my friend at the bank to access your account. Which someone's house? Yours of course. Benny, it seems that not only were you stupid enough to speak to me in the elevator this morning, but you were also stupid enough to leave a trail of transactions tying you to the slaughter of your entire family by vicious dogs. You know what they do to people in prison who murder their family using man eating canines? I don't. But I'm sure you'll find out. Also, you're fired. Pack up your shit and get out. You make me sick.

LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

I've always considered myself as quite a "foodie". Nothing can make me shriek like a cheerleader being fingered by their algebra teacher, Mr. Szyminowski, like a new edible I haven't come across before at the gas station.

Yesterday I procured a new item from the good folks at Bubblicious, "LeBron's Lightning Lemonade". All I had to see was the word "New!" on the package to let me know that I needed to have it in my mouth. Plus, there was a funny cartoon of that black guy LeBron James on the front.

I rushed immediately home and started to prepare for the injestion of the wondrous new product. I turned the lights down low, turned the heat up high, and turned the Accept all the way to fuck yeah!

After retrieving a piece from the enormous 10 Pack, I prayed a silent prayer as a show of thanks and shoved the pink chunk into my mouth in remembery of me.

Goodness gracious, was I ever disappointed.

LeBron's Lightning Lemonade didn't taste like LeBron James' piss AT ALL!!

Did I just write all of that in order to do a bit insinuating that LeBron James has urinated in my mouth before?

Yes. Yes I did.

New Shady!

So, if you guys are like me, you've been filling your hip-hop hungry tummy with the spicy new offering from Mr. 8-Mile himself, Eminem! This new joint catches Marshall at his most shadiest and bringin' the real like only he can do!

I haven't actually read the lyrics, but this is what I gather from the 78-times (according to my iTunes) that I've listened to the song in the last 4-days:

It's all about how Slim is going to totally marry his daughter in a wedding-suicide pact when she gets pubes.

Also, I think he kills his trash machine wife with a faggot's swingset or something. Then he humps his Mom while wearing his wife's underpants. But check this out, in the song, he writes a song about how he loves his daughter so much that he totally takes her to Wendy's for a nice lunch, but then aggressively bite-kisses her face and drowns himself in a Biggie Mountain Dew. That song is actually IN the song!

I guess in the video, Mr. Mathers farts himself awake at the end and it was all a dream! He's wakes up A-OK and is in bed with 2-porno actresses and it's his daughter's birthday! You see that he got her a pony who wears giant sweatsuits and other outdated urban clothing from TJ Maxx (just like the Shady one) because they are daddy-daughter best friends forever!

FOR. EV. ER.

Can you spell INTENCE!?

I can't.

Double Middle Fingers,
Mike

P.S.- Here are the lyrics if you want to read them yourself, but why would you when you can hear them spit from my homeboy Em!

EMINEM
"When I'm Gone"

Yeah...
It's my life...
My own words I guess...

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'em
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you, despite you?
What happens when you become the main source of a pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy
Daddy's writing this song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around on that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby...

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

I keep having this dream, I'm pushin' Hailie on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it withcha'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These fuckin' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'em
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad
"And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'
"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
"I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are gone"
But baby wait, "it's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go up there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep.. screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you you will. You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's Spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

Slurpees of Sadness

Ahem...why did 12, 6th graders just come into Starbucks for a "treat" after their school function?

Let me back up for a second. They were called Slurpees. They were fucking great. You'd get one after a t-ball game or basketball practice. The coach would buy them. Actually we'd get ours from "Bill's Party Store" across the street from the 7-Eleven. They weren't technically "Slurpees", but they were only a quarter each and easy on an old man's pocket book. They came in a plain styro-foam cup and they had Coke and Sprite flavors.

Bill's was also the place you could get illegal fireworks in the summertime...if you knew Bill. Which we did. As neighborhood hooligans, we were his bread and butter. Then, as young teenagers, Bill would help develop my on and off again nicotine addiction by supplying me with unquestioned tins of Kodiak snuff. Bill's wasn't the only place that had no qualms about underage sales, but I preferred it to Malzahn Market because Bill's kept it in the freezer.

I vaguely recall purchasing beer from Bill's pre-21 with a fake i.d. (that he didn't ask for) so I can't be certain as to the accuracy of this part of the story. But it seems to make sense.

Bill's was the place my friends took refuge in after being shot at on a Halloween night. Bill was outraged and screamed some belligerent profanity laced with racial undertones into the brisk air upon hearing the story.

Was some of this bad? Honestly, I don't care. It's not in my nature to. In fact, I'll go ahead and say that I appreciated all of it and I'm very thankful. Because for my friends and I, it provided a life experience, numerous stories to tell, and on a basic level it gave some young kids an icy cold knot of tobacco to tuck in their lip while they rode their bicycles in the summer air, trying to forget about how much disdain they had for their school or religion or both. It built character.

Will the 6th graders have a fond story to tell after their trip to Starbucks today? Probably not. Unless one of them one of them walks in on a homeless man emptying his colostomy bag in one of Starbucks’ famed publicly accessible restrooms. But I was just in there and it's not going to happen. Today. And their coffee frappys and fudgie caramel brownies probably averaged a $5-7 tab each.

So why did 12, 6th graders just come into Starbucks for a "treat" after their school function? Let's not dig too deep. It's because their parents suck. And they'll probably suck too.

And why am I in a Starbucks, smart guy?
Because I steal wi-fi from some guy name Brian Conroy who apparently lives upstairs and doesn't have a security block. I don't have internet access at home.

Why We Aren't Chums

1. You think we're listening to Lionel Richie because it's ironically funny, not because it's really fucking good.

2. You don't think it'd be a good idea if I threw this at that guy.

3. You thought it was yucky when I hugged that homeless guy on the train last night because he made a really insiteful comment about Howard Hughes.

4. You don't like screaming.

5. You think we're listening to Journey because it's ironically funny, not because it's really fucking good.

6. You think it's really immature to hump a Starbucks' window at 3pm on a Sunday, then go in and order an iced green tea.

7. You don't feel like getting tacos.

8. You don't know why we're talking to that middle-aged drunk guy at the end of the bar. I think he said his name was Jim or Dan or something.

9. You don't think doing it while listening to the Morehouse marching band sounds really super.

10. You don't think "doing it" is giggly.

11. You're a minority or one a them queers. I just can't stand you people.

12. You don't want to get some porn mags at the truck stop. And Gatorade. And jerky. And pork rinds. And Skittles. And some camo gloves. And OOOOO, these porn mags too! And cigarettes. And this hat is awesome! And you should get this shirt! And some snowballs. And coffee in this giant thermal mug.

13. You don't think I'm really attractive. REALLY attractive. Wow. A real looker that one is.

14. You don't kind of hate me. Deep down.

15. You don't want another.

16. You think this is funny.

17. You think "you think this is funny" was a funny twist.

18. You think it was clever the way I said "you think this is funny" then said "you think 'you think this is funny' was a funny twist.

19. Again, the Lionel Richie thing.

20. Let's hug for luck you little cupcake you!